A Fractured Heart

I remember that brief moment when you shouted "end this day".

Mistakes and lessons have since gone my way.

The same regrets lie noiselessly for now within these poor isolated walls.

My vow of secrecy must be kept.

Something this sacred should not have faded with time.

I've failed you once again yet you still hold my hand.

I desperately dig within to recover that sweet innocence that shined upon us.

I loathe myself for every time I was moved by someone else's loveliness.

All those precious moments we have shared have been violated by temptation's venomous kiss.

If only I could look at you again with the same eyes that once cherished every single step you took.

I'll remain in hopes that we'll be back and forever wait for your return till my very end.

Dear everyone,

i am sure by now you may have atleast suspected that things arent going right on my side of life. Yes, it has been really eff-ed up these days. And it seems to me that it is only getting worse. Im not sure if what im experiencing is what i totally deserve.

Everyone, on your blog-hopping escapades, have you ever come across a man who openly admitted to his own mistakes? I dont know bout you, but i find that pretty rare. I think this is because usually, people be it man or woman want to save their own names and dare not risk the embarrassment. But i suppose for those who do declare, are those who realise their guilt, and openly admit cause they were once wrong and are brave enough to prove to everyone that they're willing to change for the better. Its a statement made that the whole world could witness. As such, much is at stake.

I have done it before.
No, im not proud of it. I regretted my foolish mistakes. The consequences are unbearable to this date. But i have admitted my mistakes and i openly apologised for all to see (october archives). Being a jerk that i once was wont make me a better man if i tried to run away from my wrong doings. Furthermore, pin-pointing to others and not taking resposibility for such actions is immature too.

Firstly, i have been the most lowest man on earth these days. I feel so sad, angry, depressed, confused, pathetic, strong, weak, lonely, loathsome, rage, emotional, sentimental.. the list goes on. Im feeling everything negative, all at the same time. Its too much and too fast for me. Im having breakdowns every time my thought wonders, everytime im left alone, everytime i think of my life that is so eff-ed up now, everytime i think of you.

I feel like i allowed my enemies to win. And i fail the people that really matters. I can never forgive myself. Speak of enemies, how i wish someone would know just how much im despising aisha right now. Each time you cross my mind, i clenched my fist. You're one biatch ma-fuckz that made my life crumbling down. I cant stand you. And you're always pin-pointing to the wrong person. You always think Irna is doing all these work but no. I am the one. You hated me, so why didnt you blame me?! You want to burn somebody then im the one youre looking for! Leave her alone for godsake. Even if Irna were to do it, she's doing it to save a relationship. She was being the best gf she could possibly be by standing up for me. Aisha, you're a girl, couldnt you see that?! You as a girl should have respected her for what she's done and what she had gone through.. which is bearing fights and single handedly handled an immature kid like you. Are you still oblivious as to what is happening?! Im the one you should throw your curses to, aisha. ME ME ME. Whatever Irna has done, though it might have troubled her and yourself, it was actually for me. See the amount of care she has. If you (aisha) hated that, shouldnt you blame me? Instead why are you blaming someone who is just braving the world with her heart and who is doing her job.. You recently call us crazy couples. Look how direct and stinging that phrase is. I told you i want no trouble. We could have settled this easy but no, you just had to, you just had to bring back the biatch in you. Really, kid u are. It will never end. A criminal will always be a criminal.. unless they realise they're mistakes, and make up for it, and prove they will do it, apologise to the people they have once troubled. Repent to the almighty, get their shoulders clean. Otherwise, that criminal might as well get a death sentence for they dont deserve to be in this world.

Irna.
Irna..
Im sorry, for dragging your insecurities along from my own past mistakes. I have no intentions on doing it. Im sorry for not realising the hurts you had that really means alot to you to want to get it totally off your back. My thoughts of how easy such threats could have left behind us and neglect our enemies was wrong. I underestimated it. It accumulated and consumed us. Sometimes, i wish i knew just so i could put a stop to everything and make things right. I thought ignoring and moving along could be easy but i was wrong. I still need to uphold my duties. But i failed. I do wish the problems would come straight to me without beating around bushes just so i could desseminate them once and for all. But then again you made me realise its something i should have done without being told. Though i thank you for braving every storm there once had. You're really one tough girl. Which is cool. Fiercesome and fiesty. Just the way i like it.
I hope you wont forget my deeds. Cause all this is happening when i was still at cloud 9. Im in love with you so much until its so unfortunate to me that this happen. I was blinded. And now this is the price i have to pay. I have to feel what you once feel. I guess this is justice. But like i said, i hope you wont forget my deeds. All those times that i was there for you. I really am in love with you. And after the past mistakes, i blocked out everything that comes in my way from getting to you. I achieved that. But not other areas. Im there for you almost anytime you needed me. I achieved that. But not other areas. My love for you reach an all time high. And like i always say, it wont ever, ever come down. Yes, it will only go higher. Sorry this sounds absurd to some people, but i really have plans to make you mine for life. Im very much into you that i forsee certain areas that needs to be settled. But its too late.
I agree to what you say, i can only leave this to god now.
If god-willing we return, we will return.
If not, i take that god planned a better path for us both.
I feel heartbroken, sad and depressed. But who says im giving up.
I am not giving up even if it seems so far-fetched, for you really mean everything to me. God willing i will return and this time, insyallah, its going to last a lifetime. During the process when i was changing for the better, i had a dream, a vision, which turn to a mission.. and that is to be happily married someday.. with none other than.. you. As corny as some people might think, but i really dont care bout them, its my life and its you i need. I am happy you're moving on, at the same time im worried and im sad. Its very ironic. Cause i care so damn much. People are telling me to move on, but i dont find that an option. I am most happy in life when you're around. And even though i dont have much experiences in relationships, i do feel that this, is very hard to come-by. the word this means you. you means love. love means irna. irna means.. everything to me. i want you to take care now that im gone. but i want you to know i'll work my way. whether i succeed or not is a different thing all together. but god knows ive tried, and god will soon know that im trying again.
this is mighty hard for me. ive flooded a million river, but you please be strong and fall no more. put your chin up and walk with much pride. do this for me. fall no more. please.. and do take care.

Sometimes i feel things happen for a reason. I mean, hey why now. Tomorrow is ramadhan. I hope that will be my life-saver. I want to change for the better. I want to pray and return back to god again insyallah. The things people do nowadays.. are scary. I dont want to be religious. I just want to be a muslim. Oh, and I miss my sisters. They are coming home in 2 weeks time. I wish to hug them like crazy. I miss alyaa and atiqa. I miss ERIS. Someday we're gonna buker together. and after raya is done, we're gonna record an album together. I miss my sec school buddies, lepas buker i want to go terakwir with them. and when the time comes, insyallah we'll sleep in the mosque again. I cant wait for what my path has in store for me.

But whoever i am, wherever i'll be, irna, you'll always be in my heart.
Irreplaceable you are.

Now, i dont know if i should cease this blog.
Probably a hardcore hiatus. But i have not decided yet.
Im not running from anything nor anyone.
You guys know who i am, and where to find me.

Selamat berpuasa to the muslims.

I love you all very much.
Thank you for everything.


Rasul.